Re my last post "the hole-in-1" made me do it. That's complete crap of course. I remember taking great delight in the reason a late great cricketer gave for match fixing. "the devil made me do it" he said. My, how we laughed at that one. And here I am, "my mate's hole-in-1 made me do it". What complete and utter crap. It describes the circumstances of my first drink in nearly 5 months but does not describe the reason. So WTF happened?
The truth is its nearly 5 months ago that that happened and I have very little insight into what really happened, where my mind really was at.
Except I felt bored with the subject and "left out" socially. Regarding the social side of things - I had been doing so well understanding those pressures and being able to resist them. So WTF happened?
I don't really feel I want try to understand although maybe that is important. But I can hardly remember how I REALLY felt yesterday, never mind how I felt 5 months ago. So it feels I will now go back and invent excuses and reasons. What's the point?
Funny I also don't feel the need to beat myself up too much about it either. Life's a journey with its twists and turns. It's maybe a good thing in the longer run to have experienced the extended time (5 months for me is a very long time) not drinking, then to drink again and see whats that's like and then to truly DECIDE from a position of greater knowledge to give it up.
The problem is moderation was ALMOST working. But I would not be here on Day 4 if it had been a complete success either.
So here I am trying to sort my mind out on all of this and trying to believe, really believe, that giving it up completely is the best thing for me.