Re my last post "the hole-in-1" made me do it. That's complete crap of course. I remember taking great delight in the reason a late great cricketer gave for match fixing. "the devil made me do it" he said. My, how we laughed at that one. And here I am, "my mate's hole-in-1 made me do it". What complete and utter crap. It describes the circumstances of my first drink in nearly 5 months but does not describe the reason. So WTF happened?
The truth is its nearly 5 months ago that that happened and I have very little insight into what really happened, where my mind really was at.
Except I felt bored with the subject and "left out" socially. Regarding the social side of things - I had been doing so well understanding those pressures and being able to resist them. So WTF happened?
I don't really feel I want try to understand although maybe that is important. But I can hardly remember how I REALLY felt yesterday, never mind how I felt 5 months ago. So it feels I will now go back and invent excuses and reasons. What's the point?
Funny I also don't feel the need to beat myself up too much about it either. Life's a journey with its twists and turns. It's maybe a good thing in the longer run to have experienced the extended time (5 months for me is a very long time) not drinking, then to drink again and see whats that's like and then to truly DECIDE from a position of greater knowledge to give it up.
The problem is moderation was ALMOST working. But I would not be here on Day 4 if it had been a complete success either.
So here I am trying to sort my mind out on all of this and trying to believe, really believe, that giving it up completely is the best thing for me.
I can relate to so much of this Cleo. I have struggled SO much the last two months and i think it was only sheer bloody stubbornness that got me through. Like you... bored with the subject, bored with thinking about not-drinking all the time. I don't have the social side to contend with, quite the opposite with the isolation of the new country, language, etc and hubby travelling internationally and working long hours. Most of my drinking used to occur when i was alone so it has been really hard.
ReplyDeleteThe upside to this 'all-about-me comment' is that we're finally in our own apartment and that has made a massive difference in my head space. Finally, the voice in my head has quietened down again.
I guess you can ponder and analyse why you drank til the cows come home... basically booze is addictive. Take what you can from your experience and use it moving forward. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to again read your insights. I really missed you xo
Well done on getting through such tough circumstances without drinking. Not being in you own home can be so alienating never mind that on top of that you are in a foreign country. But you are here and doing so well - so well done. The problem with this is that all this blogging etc about it makes it feel at times the subject is taking up too much space, but then stop blogging and its so easy to forget why drinking is a problem. Fine line of which obsession to follow! Thank you Imogen for your kindness to me, I appreciate it SOOOO much.
ReplyDeleteC xxx
Hey Cleo - so nice to see you're blogging again. Thank you for sharing openly about your experience. I think most of us are curious about what it's like to go back out. I'm glad to hear you're giving sobriety another chance.
ReplyDeleteHI BBB, thanks for stopping by. I will blog more about it all. Am rather confused at the moment. Seems strange to be back here - but good too. C xx
ReplyDeleteHey Cleo, good to see you back. This is going to go against the grain here, but have you looked into Moderation Management? That's where I was finally able to answer the question of whether I could moderate or not (I couldn't!), and that process was essential to my sobriety. It was only after I erased that question from the blackboard of my subconscious, that I was able to embrace and treasure sobriety.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
Of course, if you've already answered that question in good order for yourself, I'm so glad and so glad to have you back here.
Hi Kary May thanks so much for your comment. I think you are right - maybe I do need to look at this and answer the question once and for all. For a couple of months there the moderation thing was working quite well - until......
DeleteAs a high-bottomer (I always think of myself in a 1970's style aerobics outfit and know that I would not be described a high bottomer in this context but you know what I mean) moderation always seems like that illusive possibility. You have prompted me to look into this more. And I will be going over to your site and catching up with you now as well. Thank you again for your kindness. C xx
Hi Cleo! Just sending hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteHI Mrs D - you are a sweetie. Hugs to you too xxx. Made it through the weekend away with a bunch of boozers without drinking. Found it to be a breeze. But I am not complacent. It was just nice to find this particular event far easier than I thought. Hope your weekend good too - will be checking for your updates. Cxxx
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ReplyDeleteCleo, good to see you back. Moderating never worked for me either--I'm a "drink to get drunk enough to black out" kinda gal-every time I drank. Your writing warms my heart; keep blogging. Bet if the Intertubes had been around when I quit it would have been a very different path I took. I was alone and struggling to keep sober; here we have each other to turn to for support or answers to questions. Your blog is a valuable part of the network, please keep writing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lynda. You are so right about the network. So valuable and important. I cannot imagine having done this and thought so clearly about it all without this support. It must have been a lonely road for you - so all credit to you for succeeeding and then being so kind to those of us who have come afterwards. You are a lovely person - I am always thrilled to hear from you.
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