OK lets get it out the way. I have been drinking. Not bingeing, although there have been a couple of "bottle and a bit" (wine) nights. But actually not many. My life has not fallen apart in any way. I have not got a DUI. My husband loves me (and I am lucky enough to be able to believe that, although I also know one never knows another's heart). And I still love him as much as ever.
My extended family still give me a load of shit but that's nothing new.
So what happened?
I don't really know. I just remember getting very bored with the non drinking stuff. I was bored with myself and the space the whole issue took up in my mind. I was bored explaining it to friends. I was bored with them thinking I was so "good" or "boring" or "judgemental".
Over a period of weeks I read less and less blogs and stopped blogging myself. The novelty of the whole experience wore off.
I stopped counting the days since my last drink.
And then .........................there was the hole-in-1. No, it was not even me that got it. I was part of a 4 ball playing in a competition and one woman on our team got a hole-in-1.
Now for the non-golfers among you let me explain. The miracle of birth happens every day, the miracle of the sun rising happens every day, but there is just no greater miracle in the universe that can happen than to get a hole-in-1. And it may happen once in a life time if you are lucky. Even witnessing one is a huge deal. Especially for hackers such as myself. The tradition is that if you get a hole-in-1 you buy drinks for the whole clubhouse. Anyway we were all just so excited by this golfing miracle and the talk started on about the drinks and how the woman who got it couldn't care less how much it would cost - it was worth it etc etc
And then when we finished the round and got back to clubhouse and she was buying the champagne and everything and I just COULD NOT DO IT. I could not say "I don't drink" and exclude myself from the celebrations. Now I know we have all said celebrations are not about alcohol and we have all read Jason Vale on the subject. And at another point in my not drinking journey I might have done differently - but I just could not bring myself to refuse a glass of champagne. It just seemed so churlish and unnecessary to do so. So I accepted it. And all I felt was utter relief. Relief to not feel excluded from the pack. To be just a "normal" girl celebrating a miracle with a glass of champagne.
Now if you are waiting to hear about how I ended up in the gutter that night and then got picked up by the cops and spent the night in jail and my how my marriage fell apart, and I needed a liver transplant and I lost my job............ Well so sorry but this is a BORING STORY.
I had ONE glass, just one. And it was relief. There was no binge. Not even a second glass.
But I did not blog about it. I did not deal with what I was doing. I did not make a conscious decision. So I drifted. The odd glass of wine here and there. I found light beer a good option. I rarely want more than 2 beers as they just fill me up too much. So I found I could drink 2 light beers and be happy. Not wanting more, knowing the actual alcohol content is very low, but feeling the relief of being part of "normal" society again. Not being on the edge. Not feeling an outsider. Not feeling the judgement of others (yes I know we have all said people care less about whether we drink or not than we think they do. That's true only if we believe it).
So why is a nice moderate drinker back begging forgiveness from her long- neglected blog friends and starting Day 1 again?
Good question and one I have not fully got my mind around yet.
Maybe its because the 2 lite beer story so easily started becoming 3 glasses of wine? Maybe because it was a bottle on occasion and sometimes a bottle and a bit? Maybe because it was becoming an old home video rerun?
Maybe its has to do with just wanting to be the best I can be and feel the best I can? Maybe its about not wanting to live sub- optimally?
Maybe my sense of self respect was suffering?
Maybe it has something to do with the creeping depression I feel? Maybe its the the blurry memory of conversations had with even less than a bottle of wine in me? Maybe its the poor sleep?
Maybe its the envy I felt when my dedicated drinker friend announced last week she had given up alcohol?
Maybe its because I miss my blog friends and to be part of the in-crowd I need to have given it up?
Maybe I am not being at all honest with myself here?
Its day 2 and in truth I am not fully committed. But I refused the after- golf beer today with ease. So lets see where this leads.