My compulsive
non mindful gobbling is getting out of hand.
I don’t really know whether I can continue to make excuses about it
being a post drinking “phase”. I think it’s
now time for me to get my mind around it and address it.
I am not overweight.
At 1.71 m and 64 kgs (141 pounds), my BMI is 22 which is
fine. So this is not about losing weight
– although I am much happier at 62 kgs than 64.
And any higher than 64 and I get very miserable and into the self loathing.
My problem is
that I eat carbo junk compulsively and without enjoyment or appreciation. I don’t do this all the time. I manage to maintain my weight by religiously
weighing myself everyday and once I hit 65 kgs I quickly get the weight off
with a day or 2 of discipline. It’s like
not drinking after a hangover. I can do
that. When I am bingeing on carbo junk I
also don’t eat “real” meals – so that also helps. As does the running. I am
not bulimic. Luckily. I tried very hard when I was a teenager to
make myself vomit, but just could not do it.
My whole hand would be virtually down my throat and I still would not
vomit. Disgusting. I know.
So what are
the bad habits I want to address?
I am making
my husband a sandwich. Whilst I am
making it I eat 3 slices of bread thickly covered with margarine. It’s gulped down without enjoyment. Just a compulsive act. I also do this secretly. Then I might make myself a nice sandwich and
eat that with my husband, as if that alone is my snack.
I love
cookies. I gobble 5 of them when they
are made – whilst I am standing up in the kitchen. I don’t sit down and enjoy them. They are gobbled down without thinking,
without enjoyment.
I love ice
cream as does T. I will be dishing out
large bowlfuls in the kitchen. Whilst I
am doing this I am gobbling down as much ice cream from the tub as I am dishing
out.
The other day
I fancied something nice. I went to the
local patisserie to buy a piece of apple pie.
I went to another shop and bought cream.
I came home and whipped the cream and made tea and got out a plate and cake
fork and ate my pie and drank my tea. It
was lovely. That is how I am happy to
eat carbo food. Planned. Thoughtfully.
Mindfully. Slowly. With love and gratitude.
Not the
gobbling down in secret, without thought, taste or enjoyment. Gobbling down in secret which makes me feel physically sick and full of shame and self loathing. And like the drinking did, it makes me sick with worry that one day it will become truly uncontrollable.
And writing
this, my heart is pounding and I am almost hyperventilating with shame. I am
finding this more difficult to write than saying I drank 2 bottles of wine and
made an arse of myself every night.
Interesting.
There is work
to be done.
i think you've very carefully described something we've all felt - trying to stuff something in our mouths to fill a 'hole' - too bad it can't be filled with booze or food but we certainly try. for me it's also bread and butter, cookies. i will also compulsively eat apples if they're cut up and put in front of me, even if i'm not hungry. since we're nearly at the same point in sobriety, it's probably a logical next-step - to deal with the foodie bits :) one book about overeating that really moved me is Frank Bruni's book Born Round. he's the past restaurant reviewer for the New York Times. i have never been bulimic, but i can relate to his story entirely. Particularly his observations on 'mindless eating' - in his case, described on an airplane.
ReplyDeletemy twin, there may be work to be done, but we've got lots of time, and: As long as we're going forward, we're not going backwards :) [there's a t-shirt slogan for ya!]
Dear Belle
ReplyDeleteThanks for the book recommendation and the support and understanding. Already I am feeling better - just putting it down on paper. Its such a secretive shameful thing for me - thats its now a relief its out there. I have gone through "good" and "bad" phases over course of my life. This one feels like a bad one - although probably not the worst which was in my 20s. Writing about this does feel like "forwards" as you say. Hugs and stuff Cxx
Oh my, does this ever sound familiar! I did the secretive, mindless eating as a child, then did the same thing with drinking, now am doing it again with food--mostly sweet carbs. It feels like addictive behavior: craving, obsessing, planning to eat one and eating five, promising myself I won't do it anymore, hiding it from my husband. It's the same pattern I had with wine. And the same shame and embarrassment.
ReplyDeleteIf you find any magic solutions, let me know. I'm doing a lot better staying away from alcohol than I am with this. (I'll check out Born Round, too.)
Hi Susan, yes alcohol seems to be easier to give up (although early days for me) But I don't really want to give up cake etc - just eat it mindfully, not compulsively. And YES that does sound like moderation talk and we know where that leads.......
ReplyDeleteJust checked out the Frank Bruni book. I get so irritated when books are not available on kindle - and this one is not. I want to read it NOW. And no, I am not compulsive, why on earth would anyone think so? :)
Just found this link...a little long but read through to the bottom (especially the paragrah above The Cure).
ReplyDeletehttp://self-renewal.com/alcohol%20addiction.htm#A Disease Controlled by Diet
thanks so much for the link. Its very interesting and helpful.
DeleteOh god, you've described me down to the bmi, which is almost eerie. I binge in secret and always too quickly for enjoyment. Tried bulimia too and just couldn't, which is a good thing. I know I'm sick and I feel it worse since giving up drinking. Think it's getting better, but I still do it. Madness. Thank you for your openness.
ReplyDeleteByebyebeer
Hi BBB - thanks for stopping by. If you have any breakthrough ideas on this please let me know. Just putting it down in wrtiing seems to have helped me already. Hope the feeling lasts a while.
DeleteI like RoS's idea to journal food. As you said, it may be more addictive/obsessive behavior, but that just might be our nature and better to indulge it in healthier ways. While I still binge, it's nowhere near like I did in early sobriety. I weighed a lot more then too and have taken off close to 20 pounds in the last year (slowly) with exercise and eating better to fuel those workouts and better moods. I'm going to read the Knapp books - so glad for the mention here. Be patient with yourself - I believe you will find the sugar cravings get better over time, as they seem to with almost everyone in recovery.
Delete"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
ReplyDeleteSee how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I'm crying."
"gooo gooo g'joob, gooo gooo g'joob"
I am the Walrus, Cleo, so you can be the Monster Muncher. Seriously, this looks like a post-sobriety epidemic so I think we can lay some of the blame at that door. For me, the sweet cravings haven't abated and I find myself staring in new found wonder at a cookie after I've taken that first bite. "Where have you been all my life?" And after I've abolished a piece of pie, I'm just left wanting more.
Luckily, like you, I haven't gained weight, have kept off the pounds I lost after I quit downing 3000 calories of booze a day, but I'd still like to lose about 5 more pounds. And eat something other than carbs
While at work, I've been avoiding the cafeteria where the pie lives and taking my Healthy Choice meals and I'm keeping the carbs out of the cabinet at my apt. (all of this will go down the drain, when I move back home with the cap'n and his bags of M&M's and Butterfingers in the fridge).
And I have a new love in my life, Skinny Cow ice cream. OMG, to die for.
And there's a whole 'nother blogosphere for over-eating and binging that I stumbled into this morning while checking out a new blog of yet another recovered alcoholic who is now tackling the eating issues http://www.qualifiednightsweatsofanaddict.com/
One more note in this diatribe of mine, be kind to yourself, giving up the booze gives us the energy and desire to fix everything in our lives, but just going without drinking is quite enough for now.
Thanks so much Kary May aka Walrus! Maybe you are right - taking it one step at a time. Although other sites - like the one posted in the Anon comment above - says to heal your body you must tackle the sugar stuff too!! But maybe this journey to perfection takes a little longer than we think :). And what will we do when we arrive there I wonder? :)
ReplyDeleteAh, yep, count me in with everyone. I had a very unhealthy relationship with food after I graduated high school. I would work out and starve all week, then I would binge on Saturday and purge on Sunday. I couldn't make my self vomit either, so I went the other way with laxatives and extreme exercise. So maybe it is something "inherent" in us, that addictive nature? Maybe we so easily latched on to alcohol because of the sugar? When I stopped drinking I had really bad sugar cravings; at the urge of friends in AA meetings I went ahead and "ate the jelly beans." I felt it was either eat it or drink, so I ate it. I did gain weight though; in my final year drinking, the 5 months I stopped/started, and the 7 months after I quit, I gained roughly 30 pounds from mindless eating and empty calories.
ReplyDeleteAt the beginning of the year, I was ready to start Phase II, losing the weight. So I started following a dedicated running training plan for a timed half-marathon and I started tracking the food that I ate. Then I moved into training for a marathon (I'm half way through that plan now.) Running keeps me healthy and keeps me from starving or binging; I have to eat a certain amount to maintain my running stamina, but have to eat the "right" foods so I don't feel sluggish, gassy, heavy during my training. I also have to hydrate- water, water, water, so I don't run dehydrated and get ill. So far this year, I'm down 27 pounds, but with a lot more muscle and a lot more health and stamina.
I know this is a novel, so let me wrap up by just saying, satisfy the sugar cravings, do what you need to do to not drink... In a few months when you feel ready, start eating mindfully. Eat what you want, but write it down (or log it on computer- I use myfitnesspal.com on my iphone). Then notice your patterns; look at the nutrition breakdowns and see where you need to add or cut back.
I felt like a freak on BBB's "plate of cookies" post when I said that the first thing I would do is check my calories for the day, but you get in such a habit of eating for fuel and eating mindfully. You'll get there. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a hug for me. I applaud your courage and honesty in talking about this! xx
Oh, I know we all talk about Caroline Knapp's "Drinking" book often, but did you know she wrote one on women's appetites and why we want what we want? Not just food, but food is a big focus in her book. "Appetites: Why Women Want" The link is here:
http://www.amazon.com/Appetites-Women-Want-Caroline-Knapp/dp/B000H2N9Y0
Thank you so much for all your advice and for sharing your experiences here. I am signed up to myfitness pal as from today. (I can now understand how you inputted the cookies. It could become addictive - the site that is. But if we need to have addictions then its one of the better ones) You are so impressive in getting the weight, booze and running all under control. But as you say it takes time and patience. I had read some of Caroline Knapp's book a while ago - the free samples one gets on a kindle. Must download it all now on your recommendation. Thanks again - so much -its SO good to have someone like you who is ahead of me showing me the way with such kindness. xx I
DeleteYou are so sweet Cleo, I'm so glad you brought the topic up. It felt good for me to talk about it too. It's good to know we're not alone. *hugs*
DeleteRats I just lost my post. Well anyway Hi There! I'm on day one so I don't have a lot of experience to draw on but I just want to say that I can relate. Like most of the others I'm sure I'm going to want to fill that hole too. I'm the biggest I've ever been (5'5" and 165)and I was hoping to lose some weight sans the 850 calories of wine. Part of my plan was to take 30 minutes a day for myself and start a running program. Big changes are so freakin scary!
ReplyDeleteOverndout
my dearest, just checking in to see how you're doing :)
ReplyDeleteHey hi... long time no hear. You ok? xxxxx
ReplyDeleteJust dropping by to say hi! Thinking about you... You get stuck on the golf course? :)
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