My compulsive non mindful gobbling is getting out of hand. I don’t really know whether I can continue to make excuses about it being a post drinking “phase”. I think it’s now time for me to get my mind around it and address it.
I am not overweight. At 1.71 m and 64 kgs (141 pounds), my BMI is 22 which is fine. So this is not about losing weight – although I am much happier at 62 kgs than 64. And any higher than 64 and I get very miserable and into the self loathing.
My problem is that I eat carbo junk compulsively and without enjoyment or appreciation. I don’t do this all the time. I manage to maintain my weight by religiously weighing myself everyday and once I hit 65 kgs I quickly get the weight off with a day or 2 of discipline. It’s like not drinking after a hangover. I can do that. When I am bingeing on carbo junk I also don’t eat “real” meals – so that also helps. As does the running. I am not bulimic. Luckily. I tried very hard when I was a teenager to make myself vomit, but just could not do it. My whole hand would be virtually down my throat and I still would not vomit. Disgusting. I know.
So what are the bad habits I want to address?
I am making my husband a sandwich. Whilst I am making it I eat 3 slices of bread thickly covered with margarine. It’s gulped down without enjoyment. Just a compulsive act. I also do this secretly. Then I might make myself a nice sandwich and eat that with my husband, as if that alone is my snack.
I love cookies. I gobble 5 of them when they are made – whilst I am standing up in the kitchen. I don’t sit down and enjoy them. They are gobbled down without thinking, without enjoyment.
I love ice cream as does T. I will be dishing out large bowlfuls in the kitchen. Whilst I am doing this I am gobbling down as much ice cream from the tub as I am dishing out.
The other day I fancied something nice. I went to the local patisserie to buy a piece of apple pie. I went to another shop and bought cream. I came home and whipped the cream and made tea and got out a plate and cake fork and ate my pie and drank my tea. It was lovely. That is how I am happy to eat carbo food. Planned. Thoughtfully. Mindfully. Slowly. With love and gratitude.
Not the gobbling down in secret, without thought, taste or enjoyment. Gobbling down in secret which makes me feel physically sick and full of shame and self loathing. And like the drinking did, it makes me sick with worry that one day it will become truly uncontrollable.
And writing this, my heart is pounding and I am almost hyperventilating with shame. I am finding this more difficult to write than saying I drank 2 bottles of wine and made an arse of myself every night. Interesting.
There is work to be done.