I last posted on the 7th Sept. I have not felt I have had much to say - others seem to say it before me more eloquently and /or more humorously. I have also been away from e mail for a few days - on a trip which requires a whole separate post - so I have been silent in terms of commenting as well. I got back yesterday to a very full blog inbox. I had not realised how many blogs I follow and how prolific the writers are. I mostly try to keep up daily, so had not appreciated how it all mounts up. And there they were - among all the posts and the comments - 3 little comments from blog friends asking if I was OK.
I went through a range of emotions. I was touched and delighted. I was embarrassed that I had not kept in touch and told people I would be away. I was humbled, I did not think people would notice or care to that extent. I was grateful beyond measure. I felt I had let my blog friends down. I was surprised. I felt a teeny little bit of pressure to be a better friend in future.
And of course it made me reflect on myself and "real life" friends. When I make an arrangement to see a friend its always prefaced by - "don't worry if you are too busy I understand" type comments. When confirming it closer to the time its "don't worry if you are busy and need to cancel we can re-arrange". I am the little girl who does not think she is good enough or interesting enough or exciting enough to have friends round to play. They all have cooler friends they would prefer to hang out with. I don't celebrate my own birthday for the same reasons. "Maybe no-one will come, they have better things to do" thinks 10 year-old Cleo.
And of course this is all a conceit too. As a result of this attitude I don't take full responsibility for friendships. I let others do the running. I force others to take the initiative. To prove they love me. Its bullshit. Its childish. And it needs to change. Thank you my dear blog friends for your concern. And thank you for this lesson - even though I know it was not one you were trying to teach me.
And PS its 117 days not drinking and all is well on that front!