I last posted on the 7th Sept. I have not felt I have had much to say - others seem to say it before me more eloquently and /or more humorously. I have also been away from e mail for a few days - on a trip which requires a whole separate post - so I have been silent in terms of commenting as well. I got back yesterday to a very full blog inbox. I had not realised how many blogs I follow and how prolific the writers are. I mostly try to keep up daily, so had not appreciated how it all mounts up. And there they were - among all the posts and the comments - 3 little comments from blog friends asking if I was OK.
I went through a range of emotions. I was touched and delighted. I was embarrassed that I had not kept in touch and told people I would be away. I was humbled, I did not think people would notice or care to that extent. I was grateful beyond measure. I felt I had let my blog friends down. I was surprised. I felt a teeny little bit of pressure to be a better friend in future.
And of course it made me reflect on myself and "real life" friends. When I make an arrangement to see a friend its always prefaced by - "don't worry if you are too busy I understand" type comments. When confirming it closer to the time its "don't worry if you are busy and need to cancel we can re-arrange". I am the little girl who does not think she is good enough or interesting enough or exciting enough to have friends round to play. They all have cooler friends they would prefer to hang out with. I don't celebrate my own birthday for the same reasons. "Maybe no-one will come, they have better things to do" thinks 10 year-old Cleo.
And of course this is all a conceit too. As a result of this attitude I don't take full responsibility for friendships. I let others do the running. I force others to take the initiative. To prove they love me. Its bullshit. Its childish. And it needs to change. Thank you my dear blog friends for your concern. And thank you for this lesson - even though I know it was not one you were trying to teach me.
And PS its 117 days not drinking and all is well on that front!
Isn't it funny how we differentiate our internet friends from our "real life" friends? For me, there is this kind of awkwardness when I mention my internet friends to my "real life" friends, there's a tendency on my part to be dismissive and wave my hand and say, "She's not a real friend, she's just someone on the internet."
ReplyDeleteWhy do I do that? It's just so much bullshit. You guys know me, you know things about me my "real life" friends will never know, you know the "real" me and yet you are always there for me. You're "real" friends.
And since you're real friends and know me, you know I always try to make it about me, even on someone else's blog. Sorry, cleo ;( What I was trying to say is that to me you are a friend, a good friend, I look forward to your blog, and I smile when I see your comments on my blog.
You're a real friend.
Oh Kary May you are so right! Sometimes I am in company and I think "I wish blog friend X was here to appreciate that/ that sounds like blog friend Y". I think "what would Kary May or Belle or Mrs D or RoS or........... do/say in this situation". You all seem more "real" than the real some of the time.
ReplyDeletePS KM whilst I have you here. I am neurotic about anonymity and the Feedjit on your site scares me a little. Just so you know. xx
Hmmm...never thought about that and I don't really remember why I put it on there to begin with. The damn thing keeps saying I'm in Idaho and I've never even been to Idaho.
DeleteAbracadabra, make the feedjit disappear!
Clap! Clap! Ta Da!
well miss cleo, i checked on you because i DO love you and miss you when you're not here. and i'd be freaked-fucking-out if you fell off the wagon and never posted again ... and i'm happy to do more than my share of the work in a friendship. if they're important enough to me, i do the running around. you can be exactly who you are :) i'll just chase you :)
ReplyDeleteps/ KM, i also don't go to your site from my own site, because of your IP tracker. thanks cleo for mentioning it. i'm also trying to maintain as much anonymity as i can, if that's ok :)
I promise I am not running away anywhere. You are all too important to me.
DeleteSorry if you felt pressured. Was just thinking.. "hhmm .. not sure if I've heard from Miss Cleo for a while" ...so popped over to leave you a wee note. So great to hear you're still not drinking! Congratulations on making it past 100 days!! Sad to hear about your insecurities but it's great that you are able to recognise and articulate it all so clearly. But Cleo...know this... YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks so much for doing so. Your support has been invaluable - really really really.
DeleteSee, now once again, you have articulated my own thoughts for me! I especially identify with the last paragraph and the way you articulated it, those are my thoughts too sometimes. I have a great friend who always corrects me, gently, when I make diminishing statements and its been really helpful.
ReplyDeleteYou were the first blog I added to my blogroll and I was nervous! "What if this person doesn't like my blog and doesn't want me adding hers to my list?" LOL - that sounds sooooo coo-coo-crazy to put it in writing, but that's how I felt in the beginning!
Yes I understand that craziness. Funny how we start blogging to deal with the drinking and learn so much more.
DeleteCleo, you have helped me so much in my short time here and your support has been that of a dear friend. I am glad that you checked back in.
ReplyDeletethanks csmissy - so good you are here.
DeleteI have to say even tho i am new here I too was checking your blog each day and wondering where you were. I"m very glad you wrote a post and that you are still doing well. (day 117!? ) great stuff. :o)
ReplyDeleteYAY! I'm glad you found Cleo! :)
DeleteHi Cleo :)
ReplyDeleteFirst, of course you're a friend! I hope I'm your friend too! I like you, I really like you!!!
Second, of course as a friend, I'm gonna think about you and wonder about you and stop by to see you here and let you know those things too.
Third, Having said all that, I can relate totally to everything you said. I am actually trying to be a better friend myself in returning phone calls, emails, and reaching out to others and sharing my vulnerabilities. I'm not perfect about that either. I have many days I just isolate and hide from the world. I have several friends that I am afraid to contact because I left things hanging for so long and I don't know how to re-open that door and it makes me feel guilty every day.
Fourth, and having said ^That, please don't feel bad. Just feel happy that you have friends who love you and care about you. We all have lives and obligations and it's hard to be on the computer every day, but given the nature of our backgrounds, I think we just have to be cognizant of the fact that if we go underground for a week (when we usually post or comment daily), that folks are gonna wonder what's up and some are going to reach out to make sure we're okay. That's just kinda part of the deal. I like to see it as a benefit. :)
Loved the post Cleo, my friend.
Your friend,
Christy (hugs)
I am tearing up with this. This is just so lovely and touching and sweet and human and warm and ..........You ARE a dear friend Christy. xxxx
DeleteCongratulations on 117+ days! Inspiring.
ReplyDeleteYou may have learned the lesson, but now you're teaching it Cleo. Thanks for this post, i don't contact real life friends and family often enough - ok they're on the other side of the world but that doesn't make it impossible.
I love hanging out with in you in blogland, you've been such a good mate. Glad you're back xoxo