Paul's recent post about the crazy corporate drinking environment made me reflect a lot on my past in that crazy world. The crazy travel schedule, the macho drinking, the whole master (or mistress) of the universe thing. Been there done that. Of course as a woman in a mostly male environment I had to prove that I could drink as well as the boys. And there I would be in some fancy hotel bar in Singapore or Shanghai or New York or Sydney at 2 am with the boys downing my drinks. And I would be up and ready with my PowerPoint slides the next morning at 8, believing enough mouthwash, foundation, eye drops and perfume could cover up the effects of the night before.
I would come home completely shattered but without any ability to reflect. Just time to recover enough physically for it to all start again. Could I have stopped drinking in that environment? Who knows? It feels like another person who was living that life.
Anyway the whole reflection must have brought back some subconscious thoughts about things that happened. Basically a few years ago I got shafted. There was trouble in the business, it was under- performing and some bad strategic decisions had been made. I was part of the management team. Its interesting that one of the issues was the ineffective CEO. Whilst we were all heavy drinkers, but basically pretty high functioning, he was a non- functioning alcoholic. He often did not make it up in the morning. He took days off at a time. His breath smelt of alcohol after lunch. The rest of us had certain unspoken rules, e.g. we never drank at lunchtime and never went to a meeting or the office if we had been drinking. He was the only one who did not obey these rules.
So the crunch comes and the shit flies and suddenly I am one of the ones who is parachuted out. With a golden parachute - so you don't have to feel too sorry for me. The boss survives as do a few others. I always wondered "why me?", never really understood it, as although we all had to take responsibility, in terms of where the real problems lay, they were not in my functional area. 4 am the other morning it suddenly all becomes clear. It's all too complicated to explain in detail - but the puzzle just fell into place and I realised who it was that got me shafted. It was so easy once I saw it - like the breakthrough in Sudoku one gets that makes the rest easy to complete. He was a "friend", one of the ones I had trusted. But I can see now he had stuff to gain by making me the scapegoat. He could build his alliances with the newly powerful.
If I had known at the time I would have gone crazy with the sense of betrayal and anger. Now 5+ years later, I feel stupid for not seeing it earlier, pleased that I now understand and mostly sorry for the guy who did me in. I don't think he was really a bad guy and I know it would have tortured him to have done what he did to me. He was a drinker too of course, a sad drunk who on occasion rang me at 11pm in his drunken state crying about his failing marriage etc. It now makes sense why he always avoided my attempts to stay in touch.
Poor old "Raymond" - you probably ultimately suffered more than me. And the old drunk boss too who is still in the business but sidelined. The era of the golden parachutes is over and so they have to stay in their miserable soul-selling jobs until they are 65. Maybe there's just a tiny touch of schadenfreude and bitterness in me after all?
But hey I am out of there and have had the time and luxury to reflect on my life, my drinking etc. A lucky escape me thinks. Thank you Raymond - you did me one hell of a favour.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Recycling old comments
Today I had an encounter with my old frenemy Katy. Have not seen too much of her in recent times (why would I?) but we have mutual friends and share various activities, never mind a 20 -year history of "friendship", that includes some overlapping family stuff for a while.
Same old shit today basically. A little acid comment here and there, the well timed put down . When other friends complimented me about something she made a sarcastic comment and attempted to nullify it. Even though we had shared a wonderful early morning beach hike and everyone else was lovely, I came away feeling miserable and hurt.
Then I remembered I had blogged about her way back when. (July 2012 actually) I opened up the old blog and could see an almost exact repeat of her behaviour in today's interaction. And I read all your wonderfully supportive comments. And you know what? Those comments helped every little bit as much today as they did then. I read again Belle's lovely description of Katy being a gigantic anus. I loved that today as much as I loved it then.
So your comments have longevity and are definitely environmentally friendly - being highly recyclable!
Thank you Belle, Imogen, Mrs D, B (Below Her Means) and Lucy (where are you Lucy?) for your kindness in July 2012. It helped me a lot today.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
the return of the good stuff
That's what it feels like. 14 days not drinking and I already feel better. I am sleeping better, I get up early and run more often, I don't have to worry about what I said to others whilst under the influence and no self loathing. It feels a little strange rediscovering all these things the old Cleo discovered months ago. But its all good stuff. Course I know this is the easy stuff, the high of the start, when the hangover memories are still fresh, when the turn around in my life in terms of sleeping and exercise is all still shiny new. And of course that lovely feeling where it feels the real you is coming back to the real you and its all one person you rather like. As opposed to that demon self that steels a part of you and creates havoc and makes you hate the whole. Course I also know this all gets boring. Been there. Will be there again - hopefully - and hopefully this time with new insight.
The weekend away hiking in the mountains was much easier than I thought. I announced at the start that I was not drinking and nobody bothered me much after that. The alpha male of the group took the most interest and asked why I don't drink. I said because I don't want to have to apologise to you in the morning for saying things I regret. He laughed and said something about how he would like me to say things I might regret. Yes of course he would because then he would have one over on me. As an alpha male I suspect he is in that position quite a lot. However he also he said found hangovers worse as he got older. The second night he again asked if I would drink and I said no. This time I felt he was genuinely interested rather than judgemental.
I got an e-mail from a very favourite friend who lives in another country. I love her to bits for many reasons but one of the reasons I loved her is that she was a much bigger boozer than me. You know the kind of friend; one who suggests a drink before you do, who orders another bottle of wine without asking "should we have another?", who tells you that you drink too slowly, who asks YOU the next morning how SHE got home, who entertains with stories of waking up with a strange man in her bed.
We communicate with long lengthy e- mails probably 2 or 3 times a year. If we lived in the same town we would be great friends and when we meet up on holiday we slip back into friendship very easily, but we are not close whilst apart. However I did tell her about my lenghty abstinence last year. I expected no sympathy from her at all. I thought she would be very disparaging and think not drinking was real nerdy, party pooper stuff.
Months passed before she wrote back (this is not out of character and seems to be perfectly acceptable in this relationship). Well, surprise, surprise. She said she was so impressed with my non drinking that she decided to give it a try and was dry for Jan. She wrote about the joys of no hangovers, remembering what was said, got into an exercise routine, lost 5 kilos etc. She is drinking again now. I got the impression the month was a "detox" period and not a give up forever thing. However although she is drinking again she ended her letter by saying she is not sure drinking is the way to go for the future. What an incredible surprise to me. Who knows what lurks behind the big happy boozer front our friends put on?
A few weeks ago another big (i.e. could drink even more than me) boozer friend says she has given up - ostensibly to lose weight. But who know the real reason? So the message is spreading. I have a few years on many of my fellow bloggers and I do think the booze catches up with many as we age. You physically just cannot take it anymore. And even moderate amounts give headaches and hangovers.
So maybe, just maybe, I will have more company in my quest than I thought. How good will that be? And it would take away one of my my well worn bullshit excuses for drinking that my "friends made me do it".
The weekend away hiking in the mountains was much easier than I thought. I announced at the start that I was not drinking and nobody bothered me much after that. The alpha male of the group took the most interest and asked why I don't drink. I said because I don't want to have to apologise to you in the morning for saying things I regret. He laughed and said something about how he would like me to say things I might regret. Yes of course he would because then he would have one over on me. As an alpha male I suspect he is in that position quite a lot. However he also he said found hangovers worse as he got older. The second night he again asked if I would drink and I said no. This time I felt he was genuinely interested rather than judgemental.
I got an e-mail from a very favourite friend who lives in another country. I love her to bits for many reasons but one of the reasons I loved her is that she was a much bigger boozer than me. You know the kind of friend; one who suggests a drink before you do, who orders another bottle of wine without asking "should we have another?", who tells you that you drink too slowly, who asks YOU the next morning how SHE got home, who entertains with stories of waking up with a strange man in her bed.
We communicate with long lengthy e- mails probably 2 or 3 times a year. If we lived in the same town we would be great friends and when we meet up on holiday we slip back into friendship very easily, but we are not close whilst apart. However I did tell her about my lenghty abstinence last year. I expected no sympathy from her at all. I thought she would be very disparaging and think not drinking was real nerdy, party pooper stuff.
Months passed before she wrote back (this is not out of character and seems to be perfectly acceptable in this relationship). Well, surprise, surprise. She said she was so impressed with my non drinking that she decided to give it a try and was dry for Jan. She wrote about the joys of no hangovers, remembering what was said, got into an exercise routine, lost 5 kilos etc. She is drinking again now. I got the impression the month was a "detox" period and not a give up forever thing. However although she is drinking again she ended her letter by saying she is not sure drinking is the way to go for the future. What an incredible surprise to me. Who knows what lurks behind the big happy boozer front our friends put on?
A few weeks ago another big (i.e. could drink even more than me) boozer friend says she has given up - ostensibly to lose weight. But who know the real reason? So the message is spreading. I have a few years on many of my fellow bloggers and I do think the booze catches up with many as we age. You physically just cannot take it anymore. And even moderate amounts give headaches and hangovers.
So maybe, just maybe, I will have more company in my quest than I thought. How good will that be? And it would take away one of my my well worn bullshit excuses for drinking that my "friends made me do it".
Monday, March 4, 2013
What a load of bullshit that was......
Re my last post "the hole-in-1" made me do it. That's complete crap of course. I remember taking great delight in the reason a late great cricketer gave for match fixing. "the devil made me do it" he said. My, how we laughed at that one. And here I am, "my mate's hole-in-1 made me do it". What complete and utter crap. It describes the circumstances of my first drink in nearly 5 months but does not describe the reason. So WTF happened?
The truth is its nearly 5 months ago that that happened and I have very little insight into what really happened, where my mind really was at.
Except I felt bored with the subject and "left out" socially. Regarding the social side of things - I had been doing so well understanding those pressures and being able to resist them. So WTF happened?
I don't really feel I want try to understand although maybe that is important. But I can hardly remember how I REALLY felt yesterday, never mind how I felt 5 months ago. So it feels I will now go back and invent excuses and reasons. What's the point?
Funny I also don't feel the need to beat myself up too much about it either. Life's a journey with its twists and turns. It's maybe a good thing in the longer run to have experienced the extended time (5 months for me is a very long time) not drinking, then to drink again and see whats that's like and then to truly DECIDE from a position of greater knowledge to give it up.
The problem is moderation was ALMOST working. But I would not be here on Day 4 if it had been a complete success either.
So here I am trying to sort my mind out on all of this and trying to believe, really believe, that giving it up completely is the best thing for me.
The truth is its nearly 5 months ago that that happened and I have very little insight into what really happened, where my mind really was at.
Except I felt bored with the subject and "left out" socially. Regarding the social side of things - I had been doing so well understanding those pressures and being able to resist them. So WTF happened?
I don't really feel I want try to understand although maybe that is important. But I can hardly remember how I REALLY felt yesterday, never mind how I felt 5 months ago. So it feels I will now go back and invent excuses and reasons. What's the point?
Funny I also don't feel the need to beat myself up too much about it either. Life's a journey with its twists and turns. It's maybe a good thing in the longer run to have experienced the extended time (5 months for me is a very long time) not drinking, then to drink again and see whats that's like and then to truly DECIDE from a position of greater knowledge to give it up.
The problem is moderation was ALMOST working. But I would not be here on Day 4 if it had been a complete success either.
So here I am trying to sort my mind out on all of this and trying to believe, really believe, that giving it up completely is the best thing for me.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Since September..............
OK lets get it out the way. I have been drinking. Not bingeing, although there have been a couple of "bottle and a bit" (wine) nights. But actually not many. My life has not fallen apart in any way. I have not got a DUI. My husband loves me (and I am lucky enough to be able to believe that, although I also know one never knows another's heart). And I still love him as much as ever.
My extended family still give me a load of shit but that's nothing new.
So what happened?
I don't really know. I just remember getting very bored with the non drinking stuff. I was bored with myself and the space the whole issue took up in my mind. I was bored explaining it to friends. I was bored with them thinking I was so "good" or "boring" or "judgemental".
Over a period of weeks I read less and less blogs and stopped blogging myself. The novelty of the whole experience wore off.
I stopped counting the days since my last drink.
And then .........................there was the hole-in-1. No, it was not even me that got it. I was part of a 4 ball playing in a competition and one woman on our team got a hole-in-1.
Now for the non-golfers among you let me explain. The miracle of birth happens every day, the miracle of the sun rising happens every day, but there is just no greater miracle in the universe that can happen than to get a hole-in-1. And it may happen once in a life time if you are lucky. Even witnessing one is a huge deal. Especially for hackers such as myself. The tradition is that if you get a hole-in-1 you buy drinks for the whole clubhouse. Anyway we were all just so excited by this golfing miracle and the talk started on about the drinks and how the woman who got it couldn't care less how much it would cost - it was worth it etc etc
And then when we finished the round and got back to clubhouse and she was buying the champagne and everything and I just COULD NOT DO IT. I could not say "I don't drink" and exclude myself from the celebrations. Now I know we have all said celebrations are not about alcohol and we have all read Jason Vale on the subject. And at another point in my not drinking journey I might have done differently - but I just could not bring myself to refuse a glass of champagne. It just seemed so churlish and unnecessary to do so. So I accepted it. And all I felt was utter relief. Relief to not feel excluded from the pack. To be just a "normal" girl celebrating a miracle with a glass of champagne.
Now if you are waiting to hear about how I ended up in the gutter that night and then got picked up by the cops and spent the night in jail and my how my marriage fell apart, and I needed a liver transplant and I lost my job............ Well so sorry but this is a BORING STORY.
I had ONE glass, just one. And it was relief. There was no binge. Not even a second glass.
But I did not blog about it. I did not deal with what I was doing. I did not make a conscious decision. So I drifted. The odd glass of wine here and there. I found light beer a good option. I rarely want more than 2 beers as they just fill me up too much. So I found I could drink 2 light beers and be happy. Not wanting more, knowing the actual alcohol content is very low, but feeling the relief of being part of "normal" society again. Not being on the edge. Not feeling an outsider. Not feeling the judgement of others (yes I know we have all said people care less about whether we drink or not than we think they do. That's true only if we believe it).
So why is a nice moderate drinker back begging forgiveness from her long- neglected blog friends and starting Day 1 again?
Good question and one I have not fully got my mind around yet.
Maybe its because the 2 lite beer story so easily started becoming 3 glasses of wine? Maybe because it was a bottle on occasion and sometimes a bottle and a bit? Maybe because it was becoming an old home video rerun?
Maybe its has to do with just wanting to be the best I can be and feel the best I can? Maybe its about not wanting to live sub- optimally?
Maybe my sense of self respect was suffering?
Maybe it has something to do with the creeping depression I feel? Maybe its the the blurry memory of conversations had with even less than a bottle of wine in me? Maybe its the poor sleep?
Maybe its the envy I felt when my dedicated drinker friend announced last week she had given up alcohol?
Maybe its because I miss my blog friends and to be part of the in-crowd I need to have given it up?
Maybe I am not being at all honest with myself here?
Its day 2 and in truth I am not fully committed. But I refused the after- golf beer today with ease. So lets see where this leads.
My extended family still give me a load of shit but that's nothing new.
So what happened?
I don't really know. I just remember getting very bored with the non drinking stuff. I was bored with myself and the space the whole issue took up in my mind. I was bored explaining it to friends. I was bored with them thinking I was so "good" or "boring" or "judgemental".
Over a period of weeks I read less and less blogs and stopped blogging myself. The novelty of the whole experience wore off.
I stopped counting the days since my last drink.
And then .........................there was the hole-in-1. No, it was not even me that got it. I was part of a 4 ball playing in a competition and one woman on our team got a hole-in-1.
Now for the non-golfers among you let me explain. The miracle of birth happens every day, the miracle of the sun rising happens every day, but there is just no greater miracle in the universe that can happen than to get a hole-in-1. And it may happen once in a life time if you are lucky. Even witnessing one is a huge deal. Especially for hackers such as myself. The tradition is that if you get a hole-in-1 you buy drinks for the whole clubhouse. Anyway we were all just so excited by this golfing miracle and the talk started on about the drinks and how the woman who got it couldn't care less how much it would cost - it was worth it etc etc
And then when we finished the round and got back to clubhouse and she was buying the champagne and everything and I just COULD NOT DO IT. I could not say "I don't drink" and exclude myself from the celebrations. Now I know we have all said celebrations are not about alcohol and we have all read Jason Vale on the subject. And at another point in my not drinking journey I might have done differently - but I just could not bring myself to refuse a glass of champagne. It just seemed so churlish and unnecessary to do so. So I accepted it. And all I felt was utter relief. Relief to not feel excluded from the pack. To be just a "normal" girl celebrating a miracle with a glass of champagne.
Now if you are waiting to hear about how I ended up in the gutter that night and then got picked up by the cops and spent the night in jail and my how my marriage fell apart, and I needed a liver transplant and I lost my job............ Well so sorry but this is a BORING STORY.
I had ONE glass, just one. And it was relief. There was no binge. Not even a second glass.
But I did not blog about it. I did not deal with what I was doing. I did not make a conscious decision. So I drifted. The odd glass of wine here and there. I found light beer a good option. I rarely want more than 2 beers as they just fill me up too much. So I found I could drink 2 light beers and be happy. Not wanting more, knowing the actual alcohol content is very low, but feeling the relief of being part of "normal" society again. Not being on the edge. Not feeling an outsider. Not feeling the judgement of others (yes I know we have all said people care less about whether we drink or not than we think they do. That's true only if we believe it).
So why is a nice moderate drinker back begging forgiveness from her long- neglected blog friends and starting Day 1 again?
Good question and one I have not fully got my mind around yet.
Maybe its because the 2 lite beer story so easily started becoming 3 glasses of wine? Maybe because it was a bottle on occasion and sometimes a bottle and a bit? Maybe because it was becoming an old home video rerun?
Maybe its has to do with just wanting to be the best I can be and feel the best I can? Maybe its about not wanting to live sub- optimally?
Maybe my sense of self respect was suffering?
Maybe it has something to do with the creeping depression I feel? Maybe its the the blurry memory of conversations had with even less than a bottle of wine in me? Maybe its the poor sleep?
Maybe its the envy I felt when my dedicated drinker friend announced last week she had given up alcohol?
Maybe its because I miss my blog friends and to be part of the in-crowd I need to have given it up?
Maybe I am not being at all honest with myself here?
Its day 2 and in truth I am not fully committed. But I refused the after- golf beer today with ease. So lets see where this leads.
Friday, March 1, 2013
One billion trillion apologies
Peeping out from under the covers. Is it safe out there? Wanting to come out into the light. But knowing I have let down so many good, decent concerned people by ignoring them. Ignoring their concern for me. My (in)action is inexcusable. I wish I could go back and rectify, but I can't. Thought I did not need this blog but I do. Its not just about the drinking/not drinking issues but its about all of life and how much support I got here. Just testing the temperature and trying to be brave and take whatever comes my way from my old friends whom I let down so badly. Tell me to piss off. I would not deserve more.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The trip - another version
Its not that exciting - I still didn't drink. Thank you so much to all who commented on my last post about the wine walk and thought I was so amazing. The comments were lovely and supportive as they always are. And although I have not got back to all of you individually, I really have taken each and every one of them to heart.
However when I got all your wonderful comments I reread the post and realised that whilst it's all totally true, there is another layer.
When I got divorced from my first husband a long, long time ago, people used to ask me why we had divorced. I found myself saying different things, depending on the day, the person, my mood. I did not lie - although it may well have looked like that to people listening to me. "We divorced because he was a shit/ because I was a shit/ because we just drifted apart/ because we should never have got married/ because life dealt us some bad blows which we dealt with differently/ because we each wanted to live in different cities/ because we did not love each other anymore". All true in part, but none tell the whole truth.
Like the jaunty, upbeat version of my trip in my last post - true but on another day I might tell another truth. I DID feel awkward. I did feel left out at times. I hated mention of my not drinking. I hated when people asked on Day 2 or 3 or 4 "are you still being good?" I felt that my not drinking was all that people could see of me. Like the proverbial pimple on your nose when you are convinced that that's all people see, I felt like my not drinking was the biggest thing about me. That the girls will go home and maybe their husband will ask how I am, and they will say "Oh Cleo, she's NOT DRINKING!". And that says it all about me. I hate it being so prominant, I hate people mentioning it. I wish wish wish my not drinking was just not an issue.
And yet, and yet, maybe its not such a big issue for anyone else. Maybe it IS just me. Otherwise how do you account for the fact that one of the girls on the trip e-mailed me yesterday inviting me round for dinner saying she is making a special dessert and will be serving that "delicious dessert wine I bought on the trip"?
So what is the truth? Is it a big deal for other people, or is it just me? And in time surely this has to get easier?
And what difference does it make anyway? Whatever the answer, I am still not going to drink. So deal with it.
However when I got all your wonderful comments I reread the post and realised that whilst it's all totally true, there is another layer.
When I got divorced from my first husband a long, long time ago, people used to ask me why we had divorced. I found myself saying different things, depending on the day, the person, my mood. I did not lie - although it may well have looked like that to people listening to me. "We divorced because he was a shit/ because I was a shit/ because we just drifted apart/ because we should never have got married/ because life dealt us some bad blows which we dealt with differently/ because we each wanted to live in different cities/ because we did not love each other anymore". All true in part, but none tell the whole truth.
Like the jaunty, upbeat version of my trip in my last post - true but on another day I might tell another truth. I DID feel awkward. I did feel left out at times. I hated mention of my not drinking. I hated when people asked on Day 2 or 3 or 4 "are you still being good?" I felt that my not drinking was all that people could see of me. Like the proverbial pimple on your nose when you are convinced that that's all people see, I felt like my not drinking was the biggest thing about me. That the girls will go home and maybe their husband will ask how I am, and they will say "Oh Cleo, she's NOT DRINKING!". And that says it all about me. I hate it being so prominant, I hate people mentioning it. I wish wish wish my not drinking was just not an issue.
And yet, and yet, maybe its not such a big issue for anyone else. Maybe it IS just me. Otherwise how do you account for the fact that one of the girls on the trip e-mailed me yesterday inviting me round for dinner saying she is making a special dessert and will be serving that "delicious dessert wine I bought on the trip"?
So what is the truth? Is it a big deal for other people, or is it just me? And in time surely this has to get easier?
And what difference does it make anyway? Whatever the answer, I am still not going to drink. So deal with it.
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